Navigating Soft Skills

Thursday of last week, a dear and valued friend’s mother passed away. At first, she notified me of her passing through email with a mention that she would call me shortly.

Just hours prior to hearing this news, I showed up for a meeting with someone I had never met. She wanted to see our latest publication, a series of workbooks: Kids Navigating Life. As I approached her assistant’s desk, her assistant informed me I wouldn’t be meeting with this woman afterall. It would be a tour of the facility instead. Before I was escorted to the tour director, the woman I was to meet with exited her office. She was in obvious distress, tears in her eyes as she apologized to me.

If ever there was a day in which all my soft skills came into play, it was this day. What do I say to a woman I was to meet with who shakes my hand, apologizes with kindness but needing me to move on sooner rather than later? I simply said it was not a problem, and that I was sorry to have disturbed her, and we’d meet another time.

What I discovered as I reflected upon both events that day was how uncomfortable I was in my struggle to find the right words for each. With my friend, I played a tape in my head of what I would say when we spoke and changed it several times. Nothing seemed just right. What could I say that would give her comfort and let her know of my compassion, yet hiding my dis-ease? And, too, I reflected upon my dis-ease when I met up with the woman I was to meet with, an hour later. I wondered if my eyes, words and inflection relayed to her my compassion and not my discomfort.

I kept reminding myself of what a wise woman once told me: “Sue, never tell someone you know how they feel or what they are thinking. Don’t offer easy platitudes. You don’t know what they are feeling and don’t you be so arrogant and so presumptuous to think you do, she said. No two people are the same. No two people process life events the same either.”

As I’ve done since hearing those words, I focused on not patronizing either women with common cliches. I allowed them to talk and simply responded that I was so sorry and told each the truth. That was that I don’t have the words or the wisdom to know what to say or do. Just know that whatever you may need from me right now, I’m willing. Listening, acknowledging their grief and asking for their guidance minimized my dis-ease and maximized their comfort with me.

Although many of us want to spare our friends and strangers their pain, an honorable mission it is to make it go away and to ease grief and dis-ease, grief and grieving has a life of its own. Our role is to offer support and not direct the process to suit our needs.

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This week I had two meetings with executive directors of non-profits. I’d not met either of these two women - it was our first introduction. What struck me was the contrast in attitudes and body language. One woman obviously embraced her mission with her heart and soul. It was apparent from the moment she appeared - before she even shooked my hand. The other woman, although she spoke the same words in her greeting, was working overtime trying to override an anger boiling just below the surface.

As I sat listening to this woman, I realized I had tuned her out, hoping she’d finish her dissertation so that I could politely end the meeting. I had no interest in furthering her agenda or promoting the foundation’s cause. If she was the chosen leader, something was terribly wrong.

As I reflected on both women, I was struck by the contrast. The first one I’d not hesitate to spread the good word about them to all I came in contact with. She was vibrant and it was contagious. The other I’d not recommend to anyone. Not a good situation when the organization’s survival is dependent upon her and her ability to embrace her mission and have others do likewise.

Managing anger or dealing with it is vital not only to our personal well-being but to the organization we represent. Anger is a skill, one that can serve us well. Many non-profits were born out of constructive use of anger from an injustice. But if not managed or dealt with appropriately, it will be observable and impact all that we do and say.

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Yesterday, in a meeting that was focused on how to get the troops motivated to perform to a higher standard, one of the attendees, a business consultant, described her plan to motivate and activate change from within. She had a good plan but with one fatal flaw. Her plan was to call a meeting of the managers to explain the new standards. Those unhappy souls could leave, the others, it would be assumed, would follow the program to the letter. Outcomes would be predictable. Happiness and revenues would surely follow.

The flaw was that the managers had been hired during good economic times. All the managers had to do was show up to unlock the doors. The salespeople were motivated not by their skill proficiencies because few were needed. The demand to buy required little effort from salespeople. They, too, have gone from just showing up to write a sales contract; securing the sale was a no brainer. But the heyday of little to no effort is gone. Managers must manage, skillfully; salespeople must learn the skill sets needed to find buyers, close a sale in a slowing market. In other words, earn their daily bread.

Her belief that all it would take to change the environment from a just show up to an accountability model, complete with a new set of performance standards is fraught with problems and resistance. The first step must be one of discovery. As I suggested, identify a list of skills. For example, accountability, trust, integrity, decision making, personal development, problem solving, etc. Meet with the managers and ask them to define the selected skills as they pertain to the company and their job. This is not only highly effective but opens the door to introduce new standards.

Several things occur simultaneously. Most important is that you observe by their responses what these words mean in context. You’ll discover who is willing to have the bar raised. And, too, who will join the effort to initiate change. By the end of the exercise, after compressing their responses in order to define the corporate meaning of each skill and application as well as expectations, change has already begun with no resistance but participation and inclusion.

The motivation to accept change will no longer be an issue. Introducing the business model for performance and outcomes will not be met with heightened resistance. The stage has been set in a positive manner. It’s a remarkable exercise with stunning results.

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During a dinner conversation with an acquaintance, she asked if I would attend a class she was giving on setting boundaries. After some dialogue about what the class outcomes would be, I agreed. I wasn’t interested in a therapy session, just the basics of setting and keeping boundaries with others. I do well setting them for myself and keeping them. However, I do get loosy goosy with others. But she assured me it wasn’t therapy; it was boundary setting 101.

What I experienced was far from the basics. In fact, it was clearly a class in perfecting anti-social and narcissistic behavior. It, too, quickly evolved into a therapy session. Instead of teaching the soft skills needed to set and keep good and healthy boundaries with family, friends, and coworkers it was a lesson in how to be self absorbed and antisocial.

One guy,it was a mixed group, complained that coworkers would occasionally hug him, not as a sexual advance, but in friendship and without his verbal permission to do so. He found this offensive. The leader instructed him to extend his arms fully in front of the boundary abuser to stop the hug before he was touched and just say no forcefully.

Another woman complained about coworkers dumping work on her against her will. She was instructed to pick up the work and dump it back on the offenders desk. Tell the offender, she was instructed, that it wasn’t her job. And she was reminded that her needs were most important. How she felt at any given moment, her feelings were her first priority. To feel good, moment by moment throughtout the day, was the goal. That would require us to focus solely on ourselves. How boring is that?

The list of I want and I need, me first, continued unabated throughout the evening. By the time two hours of this finally came to an end, I realized I had just been exposed to two hours of misguided and antisocial boundary setting.

Setting and keeping good boundaries is not an exercise in it’s all about me. It’s about a good and healthy balance in our lives. It’s like sharing a meal. Some for you and some for me.

It’s really about acquiring and using our soft skills proficiently in our relationships at home, at work, and in our social lives. The behavior suggested above could get both these people fired or dead ended in their jobs. It takes the use of many skills to skillfully navigate achieving a balance, having our needs met, and meeting the needs of others.

Typically, poor boundaries result from our behavior or attitudes. Conflict avoidance, fear of hurting someone’s feelings, inconsistency in imposing consequences, lack of healthy self worth or self respect, poor observation, and poor problem solving or decision making skills just to cite a few. If you have difficulty setting good boundaries change is in order, but do it skillfully.

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Last week, a former Catholic priest made a profound statement. He stated, “If you don’t know my hurts how can I call you my friend? If you don’t know, you’re not my friend, merely an aquaintance.” That got me to thinking about my friends. I tested my knowledge of them by asking them what their deepest hurts have been.

I thought loss and the death of a loved one would be the primary hurt in peoples lives. I was mistaken. The overwhelming majority responded with betrayal as their deepest hurt. It came from parents, siblings, relatives, friends, business associates, bosses, corporate leaders, the companies they worked for, and from the religious community. Certainly loss of loved ones was among the hurts noted, but not the first to come to mind.

I know some of the folks I queried had been raised in poverty and had some tough breaks along the way. Going without, financial crisis, lack of education or illness — their own or others were cited.

What struck me was that so many of the betrayals cited happened many years ago, some in early childhood. What I learned from my survey was that betrayal lasts a lifetime for those impacted by it. It may be forgiven but not forgotten.

I think the greatest gift we can give and a legacy worth leaving in our wake may well be to be trustworthy.

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This week an international speaker and author called with an inquiry. She had just been asked to speak about diversity. Obama’s speech and the firestorm around it had ignited a topic that, heretofore, had been skirted in the context of open and honest, genuine and authentic dialogue. This firm asked if she could or would address diversity in a substantive manner, not fluff or worthless hype. It was a reasonable request that should be demanded more often from corporate of their speakers. And too, they stated they wanted employees to have takeaway value that would be sustainable following her presentation.

As she explained the topic and her concerns about providing substance and sustainable value, wondering if she was equipped to deliver the goods, we began an engaging conversation. We decided that it was a worthy and challenging opportunity. That led to her request for my help in structuring a meaningful and sustainable set of call to action steps. Each step would be rooted in the invaluable soft skills that would initiate further dialogue and solutions. The only way I knew how to accomplish the mission was to get honest about a real problem from both sides. She and I needed to be totally open with one another, we agreed.

What followed was enlightening. We each identified our world views. My friend, being of color, an African American, and I, Caucasian, began first by agreeing discrimination is still alive and well - from both sides. We agreed too that it’s a people problem and all people problems begin and end with poor use of soft skill sets.

She listed all the reasons people of color resent whites. Some of what she identified:
• token hiring
• lack of trust
• hidden agendas and motives
• not being trusted as an equal
• an elephant in the room with no one honestly talking about it
• the race card getting played out, covertly or overtly

As I listed what I’ve heard or experienced as a business woman, writer and columnist, we found our commonalities strikingly similar. When the exercise was finished, we made a list of those common elements.
• trust
• fears
• avoidance
• core values
• bias’
• an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about it, authentically
• We are the same but we keep putting labels on it and reinforcing a line in the sand

We concluded that her speech would address the real issues and cite solutions. There isn’t a magic bullet to end discrimination and racism. It’s still a free country. But if we speak in terms of equal for all, character, values, core competencies, and work to remove discriminatory references about people, we may get closer to our collective goals. We need to get the playing field level by having a consistent standard for all. We need to be advocates of equal for all.

If we focus on color, we see color. If we focus on what’s important, stated above, we’re more apt to refocus our own attention and thoughts. We’ll only get more of the same – discrimination – if we keep doing the same things. What we think about, what we focus on is what we get. Change those two dynamics and see if we can’t make change.

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While watching the spectacle of now former Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer plead his case before the world this week, I was struck by his repeated comment that his behavior was a personal matter. Does this man truly believe that what he does in his private life has no bearing on his public and professional life? Why would he be forced to resign his office if his duplicity, hypocrisy, and flawed character had no bearing on his professional life? I think he’s a few links shy of a connection.

What amazes me is that I’ve heard this argument before. The refrain goes something like this: “What I do in my personal life has no bearing on what I do in my professional life”. If that were truly the case, why is it that prospective employers are now searching the Internet, MySpace.com, Facebook and googling a job candidates name in search of information on their private lives? To their dismay, many highly qualified applicants are being rejected not because of their resumes and qualifications. They are rejected because of inconsistencies with their resume and character portrayed online. Most is self described. Who they profess to be, their values and character traits, during interviews and what’s discovered online is problematic for employers. It does matter.

How can any of us profess to be honorable, trustworthy, have integrity, be accountable, open and honest at work but outside of work, live a duplicitous life with an entirely different set of standards, values or lack thereof? How can we explain away a life of respect from 9 to 5 but after hours it has no relevance? Not sure how that works.

To be of good character is not a part-time, situational state of being. Part-time and situational are clearly descriptive of a flawed belief system. The soft skills we admire and respect in ourselves and others are not conditional values but consistent values, regardless of circumstances. Anything less is disingenuous.

I recall my sister once telling me how she detested liars. Lying from her children was unacceptable behavior with punishment to follow. Just moments after she finished her diatribe, the phone rang. She instructed her eldest child who was listening, to tell the caller that she wasn’t home. I looked around and sure enough, we were in her home and she was sitting there. I couldn’t believe my ears. Nor could I believe it with Mr. Spitzer. I, too, wondered how many times he shared the same abhorrence of lying with his own children.

It’s time we raise the bar on ourselves to walk the talk. Without trust, integrity, respect, accountability and honesty the very fabric of our society is at great risk. Let’s stop condoning and making excuses for bad behavior or trying to convince ourselves that personal and professional behavior are not linked. As Mr. Spitzer has discovered the hard way, they are.

P.S. I’d encourage you to revisit your Internet profiles if you’re job hunting or seeking a promotion. Employers are caring again about personal lives of those they employ.

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A few years ago, I was asked to meet with a scientist/engineer to talk about his business. He had spent ten years in his laboratory designing a piece of hardware for the electronic industry. From the moment we met, I knew I was in the presence of an Einstein type character. His passion was tinkering with his discovery until he perfected it. As he sought perfection, his debts were mounting and his business, as he called it, was in dire straights financially. “What can I do?” he asked.

We talked at length for sometime. I asked about his company’s board. Who were these people and what role do they play? He described them as great people who were totally supportive of his mission and vision. I pondered his assessment of his board members and his financial crisis - his failure to go on if no immediate remedy was secured.

After debating my approach, I decided he deserved the truth rather than more of the same patronizing and kudos he received from his board. My job was not to soothe his ego as his board was accustomed to doing. I was not there to make him feel good. My role was to help him and it would take brutal honesty to do it. Getting his attention before it was too late was my responsibility.

Looking directly at him, I told him he didn’t have a business; he had a hobby. There were no accountabilities in place; no milestones of expectations. His bills weren’t covered by revenues; his board seats were filled with folks who were there to reinforce his misconceptions that he had a business instead of challenging him with realities.

His feelings were clearly hurt by my observations. He took it as a personal attack. It was obvious he had never been told the truth and resented being confronted with it. Our meeting ended shortly thereafter.

That wasn’t the end of it. He proved to be a man of character. My statement about him having a hobby and not a business haunted him. Weeks later he contacted me and asked to meet again. He wanted to know how to transform his hobby into a real business.

The first task was to change the dynamics of his board. He needed people who would tell him the truth regardless of his feelings. They’d expect change and results. He needed to surround himself with people who would challenge the status quo. Most important, he needed a leader to lead while he did what he did best, tinker in the lab. With no money, he couldn’t hire that person. It would have to be a leader on the board who had the time and expertise to redirect energies and focus on the important - a viable business.

Within months, his new business obtained a substantial grant to partner with a university in a research project. In addition, with explicit direction from a responsible and accountable board and some breathing room, he had the impetus to turn tinkering into a saleable product.

Today, it’s a success story. But had he not been a man of character and able to deal with the truth, he would have failed.

Do you have a hobby or a business? It’s a question many of us should be asking ourselves daily as we assess ourselves, our decisions, our core competencies and our mission. Is what you profess to want what you have? You decide.

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Yesterday, I had a conversation with my business partner, Laura Tonkin, about a statement in a new workbook we’re writing. There was a question to be answered about the soft skill honesty. “Do I refrain from speaking when I cannot speak honestly without causing unnecessary harm to others?”

Our discussion was lively and engaging. How would one know if they were causing unnecessary harm? What are the qualifiers? If someone is stuck in overly sensitive, unnecessary harm to that person could mean just about anything honest. Typically, overly sensitive people prefer disengenuous or make believe to honest and open. Being open and honest about anything is likely to trigger a firestorm of negative reaction or response. Unnecessary harm can be an unknown as long as it wasn’t a statement made that was just ugly.

With a recession in full swing, change is a given for virtually all organizations, regardless of size. Is open and honest from leadership about the state of the organization and forthcoming change, perhaps layoffs, salary reductions or change in benefits, unnecessary harm when it’s merely a strategic or tactical possibility, not yet a known fact? When does open and honest cause unnecessary harm? Is it better to endure short term pain for long term gain? Or, do we focus on short term gain, not addressing realities, for long term pain when angry employees resent not being told upstream?

The conundrum is when to talk about realities and when to keep quiet. Do employers risk the bolting scenario from fearful employees? Or, do employers unite with employees to discuss options and alternatives after open and honest dialogue knowing unnecessary harm may be a consequence - premature bolting of employees in the short term but is knowing who’s committed to keeping the ship afloat during the storm worth the unnecessary harm for a long term gain.

What are your thoughts? Would you prefer to be open and honest with realities sooner rather than later? Or, would you keep quiet until your ship is taking on water? Is the latter preventing unnecessary harm?

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Flexibility and adaptability are skills that you will master in months ahead, if you’re smart. In addition, you’ll need to get your team on board for what may be a rough ride ahead. While optimism is going to be essential, so too must you deal with realities.

The realities are that survival during this recession, for many of you, will take a host of soft skill sets used with proficiency in order to achieve desireable outcomes.

In a conversation I had recently with a non-profit struggling to survive. It took all I had to convince them to identify and focus on what it is they do well and leave the idea of weak to others. But as we talked, I observed notes were being taken on new ideas that surfaced during our conversation. Instead of focusing on what they do well, they focused on more ideas that would become distractions and most likely fail. Optimism prevailed throughout but what didn’t prevail were the realities of who they are and what their mission has been. Survival mode is not a time to be trying out unproven concepts unless someone has the skill sets, contacts and knowledge base to successfully implement.

Realities are who is going to implement? Most likely someone who has no idea what they’re doing. It also begs the question of return on the time and financial investment. Does anyone have the skill sets or knowledge to pursue yet another idea wrapped in delusional outcomes.

To avoid the scramble to survive, I urge you to get your team together for an honest assessment of who you are and what you do well - not what you will hope to do well but what you have knowledge of doing well. Optimism is rooted in knowing and doing what you know and do better than others.

Flexible and adaptable will come into play when I suggest you seek out other organizations in need of what it is you do well. Take what they do well and what you do well to combine forces. It’s powerful if your organizations are like minded and share the same values. Your combined strengths will give both the advantage.

Get egos and personal agendas out the way in order to flourish under a new model. Funders with deep pockets and grantors are more willing to give to strong partnerships than to a single source. Make your skill sets and strengths work for you now. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

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